probably the worst moment in my life. ever. (blc post)

i put gus in his high chair swing this afternoon when jeremy was in the shower so i could put a few things in the freezer. because i was lazy, and it seriously only takes 2 extra seconds, i didn’t put the tray on the swing, just strapped him in. i knew it was a dumb thing to do, because if he leaned over in it, he would then be doubled over the belt and stuck hanging with no tray in the way to stop him. but i wasn’t swinging him and you know how mom’s always say when something bad has happened — that it was only they were turned away or whatever “for two seconds.” and it literally was just that. and i swear to god i heard him falling before he actually hit the ground and made the dull thud of him landing face down on the floor, probably not even two feet to the ground from the seat, with his little head hitting the bar of the bottom of the swing. and something in the middle of me surely just curled up and died at that moment. and i rushed to him and picked him up and he started to scream of course because WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED?! and the entire belt was still around him! the fucking belt just came right off the fucking chair. and i know I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW that i should have put the motherfucking tray on the swing and i can’t stop seeing that scene over and over and over in my head again and again and feeling like i am going to throw up and then die and he IS FINE. he really is. poor babe he was totally scared out of his mind — so was i — so was poor jeremy, he came running out of the shower and i was just like he’s okay he’s okay just finish your shower (we had a work thing for jeremy tonight that was also terrible, but just in a normal boring kind of way). and so i took gus out onto the balcony because being outside helps and he just cried and cried and cried and screamed a little and then nursed a little and then screamed once more and then cried some more, because GODDMAN, seriously WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED?! and i gave him a little bit of baby ibuprofen, about half of what he can take for his size, and the little weirdo totally opened up for it like, mmmm, gimme some nasty pink fruity-smelling shit, mom, but whatever, i am glad he took it no prob ’cause i didn’t want his poor head to be hurting all night. and 30-40 min after it happened he was his usual self, if not a little bit more sedate than usual — which also could be because he was tired from missing his afternoon nap yesterday and not taking an extra long one today. his forehead was a little swollen, but no marks. and his pupils were absolutely normal. no extra dilation and normal dilation with light changes. and all this parts moved normally, hands and feet and legs. but i was freaked out of my mind. i talked to my mom and she thinks he is just fine too.. he is acting like his usual self.. and he charmed the pants off everyone at the dinner we went to tonight and was very good about having to stay up a little later than usual (in fact, he was kind of thrilled about THAT part.. it took him FOREVER to go to sleep tonight. he was being really funny and singing and babbling and rolling all around). and so i am sure he is fine. babies fall all the time, and this is just the first in what is going to be a VERY LONG SERIES of falls starting very very soon. and i know that even though i should have just put the goddamn tray on there even though it was just going to be SUCH A SHORT TIME IN THE SWING — like duh, like i do not know that it’s so STUPID to think it’s okay to leave a baby in ANY position you are not 100% confident about for “just a second” — so i take full responsibility for my fuckup bit in this BUT ALSO why did the goddamn strap COME OFF??!! so i am throwing the motherfucking swing out with the trash this week. we have a booster seat for him that we can feed him in, and he doesn’t like the stupid swinging part of it anyway. i will get him another high chair on craigslist or freecycle for him to sit and play in while we are cooking or doing the dishes or whatever. i know accidents happen. and i also know i was very very lucky. and i know it’s not TOTALLY my fault. but it is so horrible to see something like that happen to your BABY. and to know that it happened because you were CARELESS. i just feel so sick about it. i know he is fine, but it will be a week before i can relax about it, at least. i won’t sleep much tonight, anyway, if at all, to keep checking to make sure he’s still breathing. i’m just so fucking grateful that all it amounted to was a conked noggin. i just have to stop replaying that moment in my head.

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