just right

we had our second midwife appointment today. it’s so funny and so different than with gus — we would have had three or four by now last time. this way is actually a lot nicer. we love going to the midwife, but it’s nice not to have to check in with someone all the time on what’s going on in there. the simple truth is, the first two thirds of the pregnancy are pretty boring. you’re just sick/miserable/tired/sore/whatever in the first bit and then NOTHING goes on in the second bit (at least for us, as it appears the damn placenta seems to be in the front again. i’ve felt a *few* possible kicks or bops, but with gus i didn’t really start to be sure until some time NEXT week. so.), so the only thing the appointments really are good for is giving me anxiety.

it’s so funny, that. especially this time around, i easily forget for better parts of entire days about being pregnant and then even when i do, it’s because my pants are not fitting right or my mouth (still!) tastes funny or i have to pee again. but otherwise i don’t dwell on poor sweet little chilly all that much. it’s not that we’re not looking forward to meeting the little guy/gal, it’s just that i have this crazy growing monster on the OUTSIDE of me who takes up most of my focus all day long. and that is tiring but GREAT. i don’t fret or worry or overthink much at all this time around. the miscarriage before gus last time meant that i was stressing almost constantly last pregnancy. and in the first few weeks this time around i did too. and then i just sort of forgot about all that. ha! it’s not that i’m not worried about little chilly! i’m just too busy.

but case in point — i wasn’t really feeling worried or stressed at all about my size or feeling the kicks until about 2 days or so ago, when i remembered we had the appointment this morning. and then all of a sudden i was all OMFGWTFAAAAGH about a million things we would learn (ok, two) at this appointment — like, is my belly big enough already (???) because everyone else seems to be exploding out of their clothes this far along (or behind me in weeks!) already with their number twos and WILL WE HEAR THE HEARTBEAT?? because we didn’t last time because it was too early for the fetoscope (until right about 14 wks the mother’s pulse is too loud to hear the baby’s heartbeat over) and we opted out of the doppler until the labor unless we felt it was otherwise necessary before then. because suddenly i would know these things soon and 2 DAYS is A LONG TO WAIT. and this crazy sudden out of the blue worrying pretty much happens every time right before an appointment, even after i’ve started to feel kicks and it’s long since become clear that i am getting enormouser by the minute. so it’s nice having all this time between appointments NOT to get needlessly worked up.

none of us but our midwife actually got to hear the heartbeat (about 38-40 bpquarter, so somewhere in the 150s for bpm — just where gus was at this time last time [157 at this appointment], it’s too tiny and faint right now for any but the most trained ear to find it with the fetoscope (stupid placenta), but the fact that the midwife could find it right away was oh-so-very-reassuring to us both. we’re excited for the next time when jeremy and maybe even gus will get a chance to listen.

until then i will await some internal movement considerably more light-heartedly, now that i feel much more certain that it WILL come. ha!

and oh, actually, even though i still LOOK a bit small, my fundus was up to 19.5 cm, even a little bit farther along than i am. whoo.



2 thoughts on “just right

  1. Oh, the anxiety. Remember measurements don’t mean anything either…with AJ I was measuring small and still small and then even at 37+ weeks still measuring 34 weeks! O, the anxiety and extra tests they wanted to run. Then he came 15 days ‘early’, 6lb, 7oz! Yes smaller than my S. but not low birth weight for 2 weeks ‘early’.

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