timing

i don’t know if you have been living under a rock lately or if you happened to catch the latest kerfuffle on tha internets about all the stay at home moms choosing not to have it all or any of it for that matter because we are too busy supporting patriarchy etc. i mean #^!@# and ARGH and i couldn’t then and i can’t even now because OMFG if being a feminist means publicly devaluing the work that has traditionally fallen to women in society than i don’t want to come to you bra burning party anyway.

i am proud of my decision to stay home with our kids and i totally love it, even though i also do miss working full time out of the house and definitely wonder sometimes about if and when i’ll get back into it and if so how much etc. i struggle with trying to figure out what would be the right work/life balance for me and for my family and about whether there will be a job out there eventually that will fit our needs while at the same time expecting to have to make some compromises because, obviously. but even though i sometimes feel a little antsy — mostly when i am overtired and the kids are being extra squirrelly — for me this work/life balance thing is still a few years away from being a serious consideration. we still have more babies to make and even if not i am looking forward to spending some QT with calum this fall and OMG gus is going to kindergarten in a few weeks and i am still wrapping my head around THAT thank you very much.. and yea it stings to feel like the internets thinks i’m ACTUALLY setting back feminism my staying at home right now but frankly i still feel like it is the right thing for me and for my family even if i never get back to work.

and yet three days ago i got an email from my department head asking if i could come in and talk about work stuff and i said yea, of course. i hoped maybe it would be about a bonus for this miserable project i’ve almost completed or about picking up a few more hours for a few more dollars. or maybe MAYBE it would be about some very part time stuff (pipe dreaming). but in fact NO, i am faced with the possibility of having the decision of actually CHOOSING TO TURN DOWN WHAT COULD BE A VERY AWESOME JOB.

nothing formal has been offered. only a “if we offered would you be interested” kind of thing. and i am … interested. but also.. now?? could you not have taken a few more years to discover how awesome i am? i don’t know what the job is. maybe it will be easy to say no. maybe it will be impossible. maybe i can finagle a part time gig out of this after all. it’s just WTF TIMING.

i also find it very entertaining that i may choose not once BUT TWICE to set back feminism in the same decade. 

in all seriousness, i really don’t think i can go back full time right now but i am also incredibly torn about the possible opportunity too. and i’m definitely not ungrateful and i am SO. VERY. FLATTERED. 

sigh. i know, it’s a very good problem to have, and i’m not complaining. i’m just very surprised and unprepared for this situation. and not at all sure about what is the right thing to do.

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