grocery store genius

we are still getting used to all of the things — having a new baby, jeremy being back at work, gus being out of school. not in an omgwehave3kidsnow kind of way, more of a omgwehaven’thadaschedulein6weeks kind of way. plus regular life and summer time and random things, so grocery shopping is still not on a regular schedule yet. this is nbd except that it means we have had to go shopping for groceries on at least 2 saturdays in the past month, which is WAY TOO MANY SATURDAYS. when you shop during the week during the day time you forget how #@^$ crowded grocery stores are on saturdays. they’re really crowded! it is the worst!!

so last week i ended up going shopping on friday afternoon after we got home from the beach so that i wouldn’t have to go saturday morning. jeremy offered to go, but he is, as i told him then, “terrible at groceries.” he doesn’t know what we usually buy, the list is usually cryptically written by and for me, he takes too long, buys things that are not on the list (!!!!!), and doesn’t call when he has a question. i dislike grocery shopping so you would think i would just be grateful to have someone complete the onerous task for me, but no. that’s control freaking for you.

as i packed up the bags to go, jeremy said, “i have my phone on me so you can call if you need to.” “i don’t need to call,” i retorted. “i am a genius at grocery shopping.”

i went to the co-op first. i hate the co-op. we only go there when we need specific things only found at the co-op and then they usually do not have the specific things (true story!). and even when they do they are expensive. and when it is enough specific things that we won’t also go to whole foods, we always spend so much more there (pay more to support local retail? pay a living wage!). it makes me cranky!

still, we needed their tofu, so to the co-op hugo and i went.

when i got out of the car i realized i had not packed the grocery list!!! i called jeremy, he was immediately gleeful. 

“AHA!” he said. “what do you need?”

“it gets worse,” i said. “i forget the list.”

when jeremy finished laughing scornfully, he read everything on the co-op part of the list. but it was too many things and i have a baby and therefore a tiny tiny brain. plus when he mentioned that we needed yeast, i saw a sign saying they now have active yeast in bulk in the deli shelves and it took all of my brain power (and a lot of minute) to find it.

“i’ll call you back,” i said.

i got a bunch of the things that i could remember and then called jeremy back. it was starting to get confusing, because there are some things i put on the co-op part of the list that i only check for at the co-op, but only buy if they are the right price or the right quality. or you know, THERE. but i don’t explain this to jeremy, because i can’t add another layer of confusing.

plus i can’t have jeremy take a photo of the list because the kids drew all over it (of course). i could have asked him to text it, but he was trying to do something with the kids while i was out and the list, it was long.

still i got everything at the co-op without a hitch and made a mental note to ask jeremy again about the co-op things when i got out to the car to write down the list (i didn’t have a pen or paper on the store). i hit a bump but i was still a genius, if not a Genius.

when i was in line paying for groceries, my blood sugar suddenly dropped. as in fell through the floor dropped. as in, OMGSWIPEMYCARDBEFOREIFAINT dropped. i couldn’t ask the cashier to just hold one while i ran and bought a protein bar because the choices, they were too many. i had just paid and i couldn’t handle the extra decisions. i decided i would just buy something at the stop & shop and somehow it would all work out.

despite the blood sugar issue, i called jeremy when i got to the car and wrote out the list. ha! excellent. back in business. i also remembered that calum had dumped almost an entire container of pita chips into his carseat on the way home from the beach that afternoon, so i scooped all of them out of the car and shoved them into my mouth. ha AGAIN! blood sugar solved. sort of. close enough. whatever.

as i was putting hugo into his carseat, though, a hitch. fine, another hitch.

we ran into one of hugo’s midwives. i opened the front seat, put the grocery list down and gave our midwive a hug. she cooed over hugo and i talked to her baby and we chatted for a moment and then i turned to go.

the grocery list was gone. GONE. WTFAREYOURKIDDINGOMGNOYOUARENOTKIDDINGME GONE.

i looked under the car. in the car. under the seats. in the grocery bags. around the parking lot.

it was GONE.

WTF.

WHERE COULD IT HAVE GONE??!!

to this day i still have no idea.

i said goodbye to our midwife (who was as baffled as i) and drove to stop & shop. and then i called jeremy.

“what now?” he asked. “you interrupted our stretches.”

“it’s gone,” i said. “the list.”

if i thought jeremy had peed his pants laughing at me before, this time he must have ruptured a kidney.

“what do you MEAN it is gone?” he asked after he caught his breath.

“i don’t know it’s JUST. GONE. read me the list again.”

“what part?” he asked.

“all of it.”

ALL of it??”

there may have been some cursing on my end.

“JUST READ IT!” i may have said with a little bit of surliness. or a lot.

i had nothing to write the list on this time, but incredibly think i actually remembered everything. 

so much for being a grocery store genius.

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